The Gifts of Love and Friendship

When I reflect on our relationship with ourselves, a passage from Imam Abu Ghazali’s Ihya Ulum Al Din comes to mind: “The shell of the pearl should not confuse you about the pearl, nor the form of the spirit about the spirit, nor the outer about the inner. [If you allow this,] you will be one of those who are totally restricted by the visible world from the inner world”.

To me, it serves as a reminder that the most valuable things are often hidden beneath the surface. When we spend time measuring ourselves, chasing others, or the endless pursuit of what seems desirable, we just might risk overlooking the puzzle pieces of ourselves that shape us and makes us who we are. How we see ourselves impacts and inevitably shapes how we also see others, and who we choose to let into our lives.

Over the last few years I’ve often been asked, “How much time do you think is sufficient to get to know someone?” My immediate response is that I don’t know. I’ve sat with this question over and over again. I’ve debated the answer to this question with my Uncle Hassan, and his initial response had me looking at him like he was a bit insane. Don’t get me wrong; I adore and respect the man. Interestingly, he asked me the same question again recently, and he shifted his opinion from our initial discussion. The reality is, given my own story, what I’ve read, and what I’ve reflected on and learned with time, you can never be 100% sure, regardless of the timeline you come up with. Three months? Six? A year? The reality is, the deepest parts of a person aren’t revealed on a schedule. To me, all loving, intimate relationships should be based on a foundation of respect and friendship. No one can predict the seasons of life you’ll go through, let alone another person you share a life with, and how those experiences will shape you both. Childhood, experiencing the stressors of adulthood, tragedy, grief, and responsibility, all impact how one can grow and revert. Every experience impacts people in different ways; no two humans are the same. The only thing you can do is keep talking to each other and speak through a curious lens. Co-create life with each other, and keep asking the hard questions when life inevitably changes.

Since we’re talking about love, it's only fair I bring up early 2000s R&B. I was listening to Beyoncé’s Sweet Dreams on repeat, dancing between sentences, nodding along to the lyrics, and typing away at this story. Naturally, I was also singing along (FYI, my voice is terrible!)

One verse always stands out to me: “Clouds filled with stars cover your skies… and I hope it rains, you’re the perfect lullaby. What kind of dream is this? You can be a sweet dream, or a beautiful nightmare.”

Intimate relationships will trigger you, and that’s okay. In fact, it's normal. Conflict does not equate to catastrophe, take it as a sign that your relationship is deepening. Use those moments to reflect within yourself and work towards healing. Take it from me: I spent a lot of time learning that in counseling. Do your best not to let your ego get in the way, and when it does, acknowledge your mistakes. Learn how to repair. Be willing to relearn each other; after all, the person you were a couple of years ago isn’t the same person you are today, and who you are today is not the same person you will be a couple of years from now.  Sounds scary, doesn’t it? Sit with that part of you that's afraid. A healthy dose of fear is okay, as long as you do not let it stop you from deepening relationships and loving those that matter. Be open to depth with love; there’s only so much inner work you can do on your own deeper parts without letting someone else trigger you.

There’s a particular passage from Reclaim Your Heart has resonated with me deeply. It’s helped me reframe the way I’ve thought about many relationships, especially love and friendship:

“The true purpose of [a] gift itself is to bring us to God. Even the gift is a means. For example, does the Prophet not say that marriage is half of [our religion]? Why? If used correctly, few other parts of this life can have such a comprehensive effect on the development of one’s character. You can read about qualities like patience, gratitude, mercy, humility, generosity, self-denial, and preferring another to yourself. But, you won’t develop those qualities until you are put in a situation in which they are tested.”

One of Sudan’s most famous singers, Zidan Ibrahim, reminds us in his song كنوز محبة (Treasures of Love) that if we look into our hearts, we’ll find treasures of love and oceans of compassion. You’ll find a longing that sings its own melody. Love that’s spreading its wings, waiting for the season of spring to arrive.